No Girls on the TARDIS
by HarryPotterTNGfan
Summary: Ever since Victoria left, the Doctor and Jamie have sunk into a routine of pizza, soda pop, and belching. (Set between Victoria's goodbye and Zoe's hello.)


The Doctor idly pushed buttons and flicked switches along the TARDIS console, humming to a tune that would probably sound unfamiliar to any human that heard it as he did so. In contrast to his usual attire - a suit, bow tie, and trousers - he had shed his jacket so that he only wore a half-buttoned undershirt normally underneath, and he had pulled loose his suspenders so that they dangled about his waist as he went about the console. Also, his bow tie was loose around his neck and his hair was less than tidy. Basically, the Doctor looked more like a hobo than he normally did.

Even the TARDIS was the worse for wear. Half eaten sandwiches and unfinished bottles of soda littered the area around the console and the rest of the room. Something sticky touched the Doctor's finger as he pushed a button next to an abandoned jelly doughnut that had been left there sometime around his and Jamie's visit to the Middle Ages a week before. The Doctor paused to study the substance on his hand. He sniffed his fingers, then picked the doughnut up from the console, sniffed that too, hesitated, then proceeded to take a bite out of it. He smacked his lips, grimaced, shrugged, then took another bite as he brought it with him to another part of the console.

A little while later, Jamie appeared at a door leading to some of the many inner rooms of the TARDIS, looking as if he had just woken up from a long night's sleep, but besides being slightly tousle haired and drowsy-looking, the 18th century human looked fairly normal - from the waist up, that is. The Doctor looked up as he joined him at the console, yawning and scratching himself. The kilt he normally wore was not present.

"Good morning, Jamie," the Doctor said, smiling briefly before turning back to the controls. Jamie grunted in return, and reached for one of the half-empty soda bottles laying haphazardly in a corner along with a leftover pizza slice from a box they had ordered from 1980's New Jersey the night before. The Doctor noticed that he was wearing the same shirt he had worn the first day they day met. Normally, Jamie wore one of the borrowed shirts found in the Doctor's fascinatingly vast wardrobe that he had selected for himself to wear on a regular basis a few days after joining the TARDIS crew, due to the fact that when he had hopped onto the TARDIS to join the Doctor in his travels, all he had brought with him were the clothes on his back. He did always wear something that was his, though; his kilt. He seemed to refuse to wear anything but one for bottoms, and because that particular clothing item was one thing the Doctor did not seem to have in stock, Jamie always wore his own, which made a washing machine very handy on the TARDIS.

He joined the Doctor at the console, said kilt missing from his person. "You're up early," he said before taking a swig from the bottle.

"Oh, I always am," he said. "So many things to do, people to see. Excuse you," he added mildly when Jamie belched.

"So, where are we headed today, Doctor?" the human asked, looking down at the coordinates that the Doctor was now typing in as he took a bite of his cold pizza.

"I was thinking Earth, 1969," the Doctor answered. "I remembered a few weeks ago, Victoria was talking about the moon and how she had always wondered what might be 'up there', and...well, even though she's not here with us any more, I thought it might be a nice idea. Besides, I haven't seen the launching in quite some time, anyway. It would be nice to see it again. Ah, you humans and your evolution!" The Doctor laughed, patting Jamie on the shoulder.

"The launching? What are you on about?"

"Oh, that's right. You wouldn't know about the moon landing, would you, being from the 18th century?"

"Moon landing!" Jamie scoffed. "You mean _people_ on the moon?"

"Yes. It's strange that you are so surprised, considering all that you've seen with me of Earth's history since your time."

"I know, but...people on the moon? That's incredible. How did they do it?"

The Doctor grinned. "A really, really big rope." He looked up to see Jamie's reaction, who seemed puzzled for a moment, then apparently accepted the joke as the truth. "Well I could have thought'a that." He took another swig of his soda.

The Doctor shook his head with a sigh, then looked down at the Scot's underpants, as if noticing them for the first time. "Kilt in the washing again, I suppose?"

"Yeah," said Jamie through a mouthful of pizza. Taking another bite, he added, "You know, Doctor, this may sound a wee bit selfish of me, but at least now that Victoria's gone back home, I don't have to hide in the depths of the TARDIS while I wait for the washing to dry anymore."

"Yes, I suppose you're right," said the Doctor. "Standing out here with me in your underpants while dripping cheese all over my console is much better."

"Oi, you're one to talk!" said Jamie, looking slightly offended as he gestured to the Time Lord's lopsided clothing and the leftover jelly from his doughnut on the corner of his mouth. "Just yesterday, I watched you remove one of your old socks from the control panel just so you could open the door! A week ago, you used a fez to mop up a soda pop stain in the library! Face it Doctor, we're both a right mess nowadays." He concluded with a second belch, followed by another bite of his pizza.

The Doctor sighed, blowing the air through his cheeks. He finished off the rest of his doughnut and, with his mouth still full, he said, "I suppose you're right, Jamie. Ever since it's just been the two of us, the pizza boxes and soda cans have been piling up, we've been walking around the TARDIS in our underpants, and I don't believe the old girl has been too pleased about it all." The Doctor patted a more stickier portion of the console consolingly. Where his hand touched it, a spark shot up at him, making both of the boys jump back. The Doctor chose to believe that it was the soda short-circuiting the controls that caused the spark, and not an aggravated TARDIS.

Jamie fanned the smoking circuit, saying, "We're in deep, Doctor."

The Doctor didn't respond, but pulled up one of his bracers onto his shoulder, nodding in agreement. After a while, he said, "Tomorrow, we'll have to tidy up the TARDIS."

"And ourselves," Jamie added, poking at a grease stain on his shirt.

"Yes. Tomorrow, we clean," the Doctor said, making the statement final. Then, he glanced sideways at his best friend, and with a grin, he added, "But today...let's order another pizza. Actually, how about we have the first pizza ever! Care to take a trip to Italy, 1889, Jamie?"

"Yeah!" said Jamie, taking the opportunity to test the high five, which the Doctor had taught him after he had "left him hanging" a few weeks before. The Doctor typed in the appropriate coordinates, and soon they had landed, the TARDIS' whirring and groaning getting quieter and quieter as it appeared in a nineteenth century Italian alley.

The Doctor opened the doors and, turning to Jamie said, "Ready?'

"You bet, Doctor!" he started to follow the Time Lord outside, but the Doctor halted at the threshold and spun around on his heel to face the human.

"Er, Jamie," he said delicately. "Don't you think you're forgetting something?"

"Hmm?" Jamie looked down, and with a start, he said, "Oops! That would have been a wee bit embarrassing! Hold on a mo'. I'll be back in a second." Jamie dashed out of the control room and into the halls of the TARDIS, heading for his kilt that was currently in the wash.

Laughing and shaking his head, the Doctor walked outside and breathed in the fresh air. He then proceeded to cough it back out, because he had just taken a healthy breath of the soot and industry that clogged the air. Turning back to the TARDIS, he patted its side and said, "Don't worry, old girl. Soon you'll be looking good as new. Hey, at least we have one girl to keep us men in line, eh?"


End file.
